Today I want to write a little something on marriage. Not from the position of expertise just experience. I hope if you’re a wife in need of encouragement that this will be some for you. 🙂
Sometimes I find myself coasting in marriage. I’ll have thoughts like “Man, Jason and I have been doing so good.” And of course good is equated to the lack of disagreements or arguments, the moments of intimacy, and the general ease of life. And then something will happen. Someone will get sick, jobs present stress, you move, visitors come and go, finances need to be evaluated, the ac breaks, ect. It’s amazing how what seems like just a ripple can throw you all out of whack. So whatever the thing is, it causes a tension. At first you dismiss it. Its not worth bringing up. Don’t make “something out of nothing.” And yet the tension stays and you feel it growing. You start to feel a little distant and you know they must feel it too. At some point you decide it’s time to talk about it. Just get all those little stressors out on the table, it’ll make everyone feel better. True. Communication is so important. But here’s where I messed up.
I made it about me.
Whether I think or know my husband is stressed or distant, somehow in my approaching him with “are you okay? what’s wrong?” I still was primarily concerned with “what’s wrong with you? Because it’s effecting me negatively. And I want YOU fixed, primarily so I can feel better.”
After a few intense arguments and nothing getting truly resolved,… I realized that I had to let go of what I perceived my husband was doing or needing to own up to and recognize that whether he is right or wrong I was still being selfish in my motives to resolve the conflict and I was not acting completely in the right. Ultimately I was not wanting him to change or admit fault because I thought it was the best thing for him to do, or the right thing to do, I just wanted to be right and feel good in my marriage.
Being right should not be my goal.
It finally dawned on me, for the 7 millionth time, my marriage is not about me. It’s a means to reveal Gods love, power, and glory. I needed to refocus and view my marriage and my husband through a gospel lens. If I want to be edifying to my husband and encourage him spiritually then I have to come to him humbly, less concerned about how I am feeling, and totally wrapped up in how I can be his help mate, not only for him but for God.
“How can I better serve my husband?”
It is amazing the weight that God lifts off of me when I start thinking in this way. Not that every problem is immediately solved, but that I can see hope and Christ’s love. The same love he has for me, he calls me to have for my husband. This is not always easy. Sometimes it is, but a lot of times it’s not. Because we are self centered by nature. But I know God honors humility and obedience. And he will give me strength, peace, perseverance and joy when I get in the trenches of marriage. And he will stay with me.
I have read two awesome books recently that have allowed me to see (and hopefully grow in) areas of personal disobedience and sin. They have been of great encouragement. But I decided that I needed a different focus. I have spent a lot of time focusing on my spiritual growth and relationship with Christ, a good thing! But it’s probably high time I stop focusing on me for a moment, so I got a marriage book! 🙂
Sacred Marriage: What if God designed to make us holy more than to make us happy, by Gary Thomas. I knew by the caption it had to be good!
We definitely are blessed with so many resources to encourage and grow God centered marriages. I hope if you are a wife you know you are not alone in your struggles. If you need encouragement or prayer and you really feel like there is no one, you can email me 🙂 I can pray for you and at least share the wisdom women have instilled to me because I certainly don’t have all the answers. But that’s not what God requires, we don’t have to have all the answers and have it altogether. He just wants us to humbly seek, trust, follow and rely on him. Don’t stay alone! God calls us to be here for each other. 🙂