Praying and singing this song over my precious family members.
Yesterday marked five months since the boys came back to live with us. I think I can officially say we are out of the weeds. (Or maybe you prefer “woods” but for those of us that worked in the restaurant industry, it’s “weeds.”) We still face our challenges. There are still hard days, many behavioral and trauma related issues, and plenty of legal annoyances to settle (the boys are still not officially adopted) BUT we are eating less corn dogs, our home is a little less dirty, we are getting a lot more sleep, and I’m not crying nearly as much from exhaustion and being overwhelmed. Yay for progress!
I’d like to share three things the Lord is teaching me.
1.) Appreciate each little step.
I find myself more and more in these moments where I can look at the boys and really FEEL in my bones they are mine. I smile and giggle over their little personalities and the unique ways God has created them. I can envision the ways He might use them in the future. The frustration of their negative behaviors lingers less and has been replaced with a passion to equip them however I can for life. I appreciate little things like leaving undergarments ON and making it to the potty. Snuggling up for a book and going to sleep without tears. Learning to like tilapia and other healthy foods. And being the one that can fix their boo-boos. For the first four months I was not the one who could fix a boo-boo, it was “mawmaw will fix it.” And one day K got his fingers caught in a door at school and it was pretty bad. He only wanted ME. “Mommy will fix it. Mommy will make it better.” I never realized how something that simple really signifies me being the mommy.
2.) Be content when there is no progress.
This is a hard one. There are definitely days when you feel like you aren’t getting anywhere. When the tears never end, and the kicking and screaming is volatile, when the aggressive behavior continues, when all you here is “NO!” or “I don’t want to!”, when you look at your children and just wonder, “Are they happy here?” “How can I help them?” “What’s happening in their little minds?” We all want for our children to be peaceful and happy. No one wants to see their child in turmoil and chaos all the time. As a foster/adoptive mother I also want to be confident that I am actually helping my child move forward in healing. So a lack of progress can make you feel like a failure in that. But instead of focusing on progress God is calling us to have patience, trust Him and love unconditionally. Love when there is no progress.
3.) How much are you willing to give?
Being called to foster/adopt you know it will involve sacrifice. But you can never know what little daily things God will ask you to give or give up for these children. I have a tendency to think that “I’m sacrificing this so I deserve this.” That’s just not a Biblical way to view sacrifice. There are so many moments in my day where I feel the Holy Spirit prompting me, asking me “Can you stop that for now?” “Can you put your phone down?” “Can you let the laundry pile up a little bit more?” “Those dishes can wait.” “Will you read a few more books?” I know its opportunity to serve my children better and to be more intentional and present in my parenting but many times I respond, “No, I can’t do that.” or “I deserve this bit of down time.” I’m praying for growth and maturity in this area. That I would see the immense value in all those little mothering opportunities and that my heart would desire pleasing the Lord over what I think will make me feel better in the moment.
Yesterday I went to the library and checked out a stack of books in an effort to continue my education on the layers of adoption, trauma, attachment, sibling rivalry, and developmental delays. I’d like to ask you to pray that I would be able to become well informed on how to meet the various needs of our children. I’d also like to continue asking for prayer that we would not run into any more delays or hang ups with the TPR hearing. It’s so important for these boys to have stability and with rights still in place it puts them at risk for unnecessary interference’s. Thank you for all the ways you continue to encourage and support our family. We are blessed beyond measure.
This evening my heart was completely flooded with joy and praise. And before I go further, let me just interject that today has been HARD. Like WAY hard. So before you get some unrealistic picture from what I’m about to paint…. Picture it all amid several melt downs (including one of my own), a dirty house, a few bite marks,….at this very moment I have a screaming three year old that doesn’t want to sleep because four books was not enough. It’s been hard but you guys God is good even in the hard, amen? The kids and I gathered around our kitchen island (seriously, I can’t believe we are still squeezing the six of us around this thing and there is a dining table four feet away that seats eight! Haha!) I served everyone their plates and Caleb said “And now we can pray!” and Micaila said “Yeah! You’re right, lets pray!” I asked them who wanted to be the one to pray and they all were saying “Me! Me! Me!” This may surprise you all. I mean I AM a pastors daughter, why is this such a big deal? Well I have an even bigger shocker, it’s a big deal because it’s NEVER happened. My children have NEVER wanted to pray at the dinner table. When I have tried to encourage them to, they mostly look down and hope I don’t press to hard.
In April, we visited a church in our small town. This was like our last effort and if it didn’t work out I figured we would just have to move. They were the most genuine welcoming people I had ever been greeted by. They didn’t just give a casual “Good morning, nice to have you.” And assume “You’ll figure the rest out.” They warmly welcomed us, made sure we knew of every event, activity, and appropriate class we could be a part of. Basically, they went great lengths to assure us that they wanted us there.
We’ve visited a lot of churches and one thing I have learned in the process is how important it is to WELCOME visitors. I know. It’s hard. You feel a bit awkward. You wonder if they even want to be spoken to. We have got to get over our own comfort and church cliques and ENSURE people feel welcomed by the body of Christ.
So we tried a Sunday school class and were so impressed by how committed to being in God’s Word this group of adults was. It wasn’t a social hour, it was an hour meant for edifying each other and growing in grace and knowledge of our Lord. And our kids went to class and they thoroughly enjoyed it as well. We recently have been able to start going on Wednesday nights. And we are becoming more and more connected to this church and I see how God is working in the life of this church and my life and my children’s lives. It was not that long ago that Caleb told me “I don’t want to go to church. I don’t like church.” I was heartbroken. As a child I LOVED church. I loved my church family. I loved GA’s and youth, and camp and growing up in church. And I was so discouraged that our children (and me and Jason for that matter) were not connected to God’s people like I had always been.
Last week my kids all shared with me how they wished church was every night. And tonight, hearing their desire to commune with the Lord and thank him for our food and family, I’m just so grateful for God’s faithfulness. We had to hang in there to finally connect with a healthy church. There were times I wanted to give up. Rainy Sundays that I was just fine staying home. But the Holy Spirit kept pressing and pulling and reminding me “You need fellowship with Christians. You need the church. Don’t give up on my Bride!!” I never thought finding a church home would have been the struggle that it was. And I’m so thankful for His grace in that difficult season and for how He has brought us here with this church body.
Link to a previous post on our journey to finding a church. https://familyofgrahams.wordpress.com/2018/02/26/my-struggle-with-church/
Update** On September 23, 2018 our family joined New Harmony Baptist Church. I never imagined how much walking down the aisle, announcing our new membership and being hugged on by the rest of the congregation would mean to me. I was overwhelmed with joy and a very real sense of belonging. I know I belong to Christ but it’s so important to be united to his church. I was giddy all day! And I’m so thankful how God has affirmed our decision with such a joyous confidence.